I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
