I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
