gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
