I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
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Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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