Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
