No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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