how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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