Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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