meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
