Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
why is half of my head shaved?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
