There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
