Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
