i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
