there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just want to make out with him forever
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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