I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
