I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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