I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I have aggressive nipples.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
