im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
