I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you bring me the toilet please
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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