Please, let me fuck your mom
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
