just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
