Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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