I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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