the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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