My liver just broke up with me...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
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i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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