Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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