I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
