I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
