so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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