Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
