hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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