my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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