I cut my penus on the lid.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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