I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
