the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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