Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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