look no pants
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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