I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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