It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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