I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
