I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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