Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
