I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
