I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
