Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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