She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
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We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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