The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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