just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
