so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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