I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
