i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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