I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
