I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
