I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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