we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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