best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
this hospital has no fireball
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
