All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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