So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
